The Risk of Transparency

I ran into a situation just recently. It had to do with recent and old hurts all wrapped up in one big ball called a mess. I considered it, and truthfully I just cannot understand the concept of ” hurt”. Not that I don’t know what it is to feel emotional pain, but I can’t understand the concept of not just accepting the pain, feeling it, and then deciding ok that’s enough time to move on. Some may see that as heartless and callous. However, in my perspective and experience in life, I don’t see it as that at all. I see it as….. it happens. None of us are exempt from excruciating pain ranging from a variety of causes. Sometimes pain comes from self infliction through a choice of a wrong word or bad decision, sometimes its inflicted upon us by others. Sometimes people intend to hurt us, sometimes they don’t but we get hurt anyway.

The whole issue caused me to take another look and start to think about the whole issue of hurt. I had to realize pretty quickly this simple concept. What makes me so special that I feel I should be exempt from being hurt? It was an easy realization to quickly say … nothing makes me that special. I’m by no means a spiritual guru, but I believe that I do have a strong relationship with my maker who I like to consider my father. That’s what gets me through troubling times, being able to think on the scriptures and realize that so many things I could hold on to and trouble myself with are not worth the trouble. Life is but a vapor of smoke. Don’t let the sun go down on your anger… and so many more scripture that I use to guide my behavior and thought life. I said GUIDE, I’m human and I struggle with such simple concepts as well at times and have to work them out in my own speed as I allow the revelation of these” simplistic” scriptures to work more deeply in me.

I have to often remind myself to let hurts go. I hate crying. I am not a weeper. I never have been. I don’t like the feeling of tightness in my throat or my nose getting all stuffy. I find it exhausting to cry. But apparently I have heard the experts say its a good way to release pain. Maybe that’s why I have some aches and pains. I should really take up crying. Sometimes I think though if I start I may never be able to stop! I’m sure others feel the same way.

As a song writer, I know I have been told my lyrics can be powerful because they are elusive but poignant at the same time and can speak into many situations. I appreciate that. My personality has often been described the same way by those in my inner circle. I’ve been experiencing a bit of writers block this past year. I don’t like what’s coming out of the pen. Song writing is a lot like self discovery. It on  some level has to be personal because the writer is engaged in the act of telling the story that is being put down on paper. But I realized a little while ago, that I have had pent up emotions. And because of that the flow of writing has almost stopped cold. I have a lot of things rolling around in me that I want to put down on paper. Great songs! But when I look at the paper, my mind quiets, and I feel lost. Transparency as risks. Honest writing also has risks. So what ends up happening is…. I hide in myself, I return to covers… and I stop writing…. at least until I can get it figured out on how to write without risk. Of course that’s a bunch of hooey because there is always risk when you write! Just like this blog is a risk. But I thought I would be brave and semi transparent and give it a whirl.

Hurt, as far as I am concerned, has two levels to it. On one level, it is unavoidable, on the other level, you need to expect it to happen. What am I to do with it? Well, if I think someone else is going to open up their hearts to say, oh yes, I see where that could have hurt you and I’m sorry… well I don’t count on it and I don’t look for it. On the rare occasion I do but I soon head back to my self determined philosophy of living with myself this long, that it doesn’t matter what I have done or not done, or someone else as done or not done, the only one responsible for the way I feel is me. Yes I have had injustices in my life. Small offenses too. But in the end it doesn’t matter. The only justice that is available to me, is living beyond the limitations of hurt. That’s justice. The blame game is so tiring. Even the whole psychology of speaking up so that others will take responsibility for their words and actions is tiring. That still puts me in a position where I have to monitor some one elses feelings and actions and I’m just not up to the task. I have found living this way is the best way to remain untainted by bitterness as well. Sometimes it takes a little more work and a little more effort depending on the hurt incurred, but in the end its worth it. Of course I have ” simplified” what I have spoken of here. Life is too grand to put in a few words. But I offered a small snippet of how I maneuver through troubling times. Its only my experience and my choice on how to deal with things I don’t always understand. There’s freedom in that. So take it with a grain of salt and do what you need to in order to be free from the cage called hurt. ( And try not to purposefully hurt anyone in the process  ***:)***)